雅思大作文批改！高分！！求分数~~

Question

题目In many countries children engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience , important for learning & taking responsibility.
作文如下：

In the present age ,it is generally arguable that whether should children be busy with some money-making jobs.Some people believe that this action is totally wrong while many others argue that paid work can afford work experience which is significant for study and taking obligations.As far as I am concerned, i am in favor of the former view.

There is no deny that the knowledge taught from schooling lay the foundation for the employment of the young students .Hence, children should concentrate on study firstly and mainly. Moreover, being engaged in some kind of part-time job may occupy their time for study. For instance, youngster may fall behind the others as a consequence of spending major time on paid work.Last but not the least, working in flexible society would emerge variety of possible problems. For example,some child labourers ask children to do some illegal works which could lead to serious physical and emotional hazards.

Admittedly , valuable work experience is beneficial to youngster. The reason for this is that young students can learn how to take responsibilities and promote their adaptability. Even so, paid work may make the children to only concentrate on making money instead of study. Moreover, some youngster would like to step into society and leave off their study.

Overall, i would concede that paid work have some merits on enriching work experience and contributing to the ability to survive. Despite that, children that engaged in making money may cause many possible serious dangerous problems. In summary, i am convinced that government should make laws to regulate the market of child labour and monitor the children work in reasonable time.

Answer 1

我雅思7.5分，呵呵，希望能给你一些帮助。我只改了错误和很不妥的地方，没有改进单词、词组的选择、句子、文章结构、逻辑顺序等等，那个工作不能随便做，而且要根据你个人习惯来写。

1. it is arguable WHETHER CHILDREN SHOULD be busy
1>删掉that 2> 调整顺序

2.paid work can PROVIDE work experience which is significant for CHILDREN TO study SOCIAL KNOWLEDGE and START taking obligations

3.lay the foundation for the employment of the young students IN THE FUTURE

4.好几处 youngsterS加复数

5.AS A CONSEQUENCE, youngsters may fall behind the others if spending major time on paid work.

章结构没什么好说的，老套路，也很好用，算有说服力的模板。词组选择的宽度还是不够广。 关键问题是第二段论证不够充分，还可以再多写，多二三十个词，论证也更充分，字数也更足。而且第一和第二条理由层次不清晰。有一些错误和语序问题。综上，我觉得可以在5分到6分，还有上升的空间。

参考资料：个人经验

Answer 2

慎小嶷的模版，一看就知道了，你用的还是最多人用的那个模板，雅思考官都会背了，十天突破写作那本书考官们都看过。

发现用模板是5分，最多给5.5。

建议多看几个模板然后修改成自己独一无二的模板来使用。

Answer 3

是5分 这篇作文结构可以，并讨论了双方的观点，有一定的层次结构。但是 模板痕迹太重的，雅思考官看见模板作文就是5分。文中还出现些许语法错误 ，有些大词用的有些牵强。第一段的action换成 situation更合适 schooling 改成school。而且这句话主位不一致。第二句话也太中国话了吧。不用加后面那个firstly以后的。我没见过consequence那么用的。一般是,as a consequence, 加句子。或者consequently加句子。benneficial一般加FOR再加人。 看的出来你下了功夫，也背了不少东西。用了加分词，但是要首先保证他们用对，否则不加分。而且楼主语法不是太好。看看语法书吧。而且背句一定要记完整，套错了就不好了

Answer 4

Band 5.5 the task has been generally fulfilled. there is some variety in sentences. and the range of words is to some degree wide. however, occassional grammatical mistakes have spoiled the expressiveness of the essay, and some of them blurred the meaning. and obviously a certain module is employed in the writing, which suffocated the author's originality.