Second language
A mother mouse was out for a stroll with her babies when she spotted a cat crouched behind a bush. She watched the cat, and the cat watched the mice.
Mother mouse barked fiercely, "Woof, woof, woof!" The cat was so terrified that it ran for it's life.
Mother mouse turned to her babies and said, "Now, do you understand the value of a second language?"
一只母老鼠带着孩子出来散步，突然她看见一只猫正在灌木丛中虎视耽耽。
母老鼠向着猫叫道：“汪，汪，汪”，猫听了非常害怕，拼命跑走了。
母老鼠回过头洋洋自得的对孩子说：“现在你知道外语的重要性了吧。”
改改,添一下
I work for 7up"! 我可是在七喜公司工作呀
Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says
"Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!
四个好朋友在医院里碰面了,他们的妻子正在生产.护士过来对第一个男人说:"恭喜,你得了双胞胎."男人说:"多奇怪呀,我是明尼苏达双子队的经理."过了一会儿,护士过来对第二个男人说:"恭喜,你得了三胞胎."男人很喜欢:"嗯,又巧了.我是3M公司的董事."最后,护士跑来对第三个男人说:"恭喜,你得了2对双胞胎."男人很开心地说:"真令人啼笑皆非,我为四季宾馆工作."他们三个都很高兴,但第四个伙伴急得像热锅上的蚂蚁,咒骂上帝并用头撞墙.他们问他有什么不对劲,他回答道:"什么不对劲?我可是在七喜公司工作呀!"
Five Hundred Times 五百遍
In the traffic court of a large mid-western city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to his honor that she was a school teacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case in order that she might hasten on to her classes. A wild gleam came into the judge's eye. "You are a school teacher, eh?" said he. "Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. Sit down at that table and write 'I went through a red light' five hundred times."
在中西部一个大城市的交通法庭里，一位年轻女士被带到法官面前，她由于开车闯红灯被开了罚单。女士向法官解释，她是一名学校老师，请求法官马上处理她的案子，以便可以赶回去上课。法官眼中闪过一丝狡黠，说道：“你是学校的老师，对吗？女士，我马上要实现我毕生的愿望了。在那张桌子旁坐下，写‘我开车闯了红灯’500遍。”（这个不错吧，哈哈，刚开始还没完全懂呢）
Who Shot Abraham Lincoln
Mr. Smith and his son Rick were called to teacher 's classroom.
“ Mr. Smith, ” said the teacher, “ I asked Rick 'Who shot Abraham Lincoln?' and he said that he didn't do it! ”
“ Well, teacher, ” said Smith, “ if my kid said he didn't do it — he didn't do it! ” Father and son left the school, and on their way home, Smith turned to the boy and asked, “ Tell me, son, did you do it? ”
Change
A lady lost her handbag during a day of shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, “Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty singles.” The boy quickly replied, “That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have change for a reward.”
Autograph (签名)
“ Dad, Can you write in the dark? ”
“ I think so. What is it you want me to write? ”
“ Your name on this report card. ”
Have a Wife
At Sunday School they were doing the Creation story and Johnny heard how Eve was created from Adam's side.
Later that week Johnny's mother noticed him lying down as though he was ill and she asked:
What's the matter with you?
I have a pain in the side., I think I'm going to have a wife
Free Haircut
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.
“ I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade,” he said. “I'll be back in a few minutes.”
When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, “Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you.”
“That wasn't my daddy,” said the boy. “He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!”
Go to School
Tommy had reached school age. His mother managed with a blast of [1]propaganda to make him enthusiastic about the idea. She bought him lots of new clothes, told him of the new friends he'd meet and so on. Came the first day, he eagerly went off and came back home with a lot of glowing reports about school.
Next morning when she woke him up, he asked “What for ?” She told him it was time to get ready for school.
“What, again ?” he asked.
Happy Birthday to You
A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time. Thee church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the [2]aisle , carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, “Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you...” Adam's Suit
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible. With [3]fascination , he looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between pages. “ Momma, look what I found, ” the boy called out. “ What have you got there, dear? ” his mother asked. With [4]astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, “ I think it's Adam's suit!!!!! ”
Stupid
A young girl is with her dad at the barbers eating some candy, when it slips from her fingers into a pile of hair on the floor.
“Oh dear, have you got hair on your candy?” asked the barber.
“Don't be so stupid, I'm only three!!” said the girl!
Nearly
Father: How did you exams go ?
Son: I got nearly 100 in every subject
Father: What do you mean, nearly 100 ?
Son: The questions didn't give me any trouble, just the answers !
[注释1] propaganda n. 宣传
[注释2] aisle n. 走廊， 过道
[注释3] fascination n. 魔力 , 入迷 , 魅力 , 迷恋 , 强烈爱好
[注释4] astonishment n. 惊讶
Answer
Teacher to student: Arnold what is the most popular answer to the teacher's questions?
Arnold : I don't know ma'am.
Teacher: Correct!'
A Natural Childbirth
A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, “ How was I born? ”
“ Well honey... ” said the slightly prudish[1] parent, “ the stork[2] brought you to us. ”
“ Oh, ” said the boy. “ Well, how did you and daddy get born? ” he asked.
“ Oh, the stork brought us too. ”
“ Well how were grandpa and grandma born? ” he persisted.
“ Well darling, the stork brought them too! ” said the parent.
Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher. The opening sentence is:
“ This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations. ”
Presents
It was the last day of school, and all the students were bringing presents for their teacher. A florist[3] 's daughter came up and gave her teacher a box. The teacher said, “ I'll bet these are flowers! ” The girl replied, “ How did you know? “ Just a lucky guess, ” she said.
Next, a boy whose family owned a candy store came up and gave the teacher a box. She said that she knew it was candy. When the boy asked how she knew, she again said, “ Just a lucky guess. ”
Finally, a boy whose father owned a liquor store came up and gave the teacher a box, but one of the box's corners was damp[4] from a leak. The teacher asked the boy if it was wine. The boy said, “ No. ” She touched the leak and put it to her tongue and asked if it was champagne[5] . The boy again said no. Finally, she gave up and asked him what was in the box. He said happily, “ A puppy[6]! ”
Not Enough
A child comes home from his first day at school. His Mother asks, “Well, what did you learn today?”
The kid replies, “Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow.”
Scare
The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said. “ don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking[7].”
Cosmetology
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream[8] on her face. “ Why do you do that, mommy? ” he asked. “ To make myself beautiful, ” said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue[9]. “ What's the matter? ” asked Little Johnny. “ Giving up? ”
Play
A little girl asked her mother, “ Can I go outside and play with the boys? ” Her mother replied, “ No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough. ” The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, “ If I can find a smooth one, can I play with[10] him? ”
Understand
A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb[11], though his mother had tried everything from bribery[12] to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, “If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up[13] like a balloon.” Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, “Uh-oh...I know what you've been doing.”
You Are Jesus
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, age 5 and Ryan, age 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity to teach a moral lesson and said, “If Jesus were sitting here, he would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can eat when he is finished.'
So Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan, you be Jesus.”
Answer
A first grade teacher was telling her class about the 3 little pigs. She got to the part where the pigs get the building materials and said, “The first little pig went up to[14] a man and asked, ‘ Excuse me sir, but may I have some straw to build a house?'”
The teacher wanted to know if the class was paying attention so she asked, “What do you think the man said?”
One boy raised his hand and said, “I think maybe the man said something like, ‘WOW! A talking pig!'”
[注释1] prudish adj. 过分规矩的， 装正经的
[注释2] stork n. [ 鸟 ] 鹳
[注释3] florist n. 种花人
[注释4] damp adj. 潮湿的
[注释5] champagne n. 香槟酒， 香槟色
[注释6] puppy n. ( 常指未满一岁的 ) 小狗， 小动物，自负的青年
[注释7] spanking n. 拍击， 打屁股； adj. 强烈的， 疾行的； adv. 显著地
[注释8] cold cream n. 雪花膏， 冷霜 ( 一种化妆品 )
[注释9] tissue n. 薄纸， 棉纸， 薄的纱织品
[注释10] play with 玩， 戏弄， 摆弄； 不大认真考虑 ( 某一问题 )
play with fire 玩火， 做危险的事
[注释11] thumb n. 拇指； vt. 以拇指拨弄， 笨拙处理， 弄坏，翻阅， 作搭车手势
[注释12] bribery n. 行贿； 贿赂， 受贿， 被收买 commit bribery 行 [ 受 ] 贿
[注释13] blow up 形成 A storm blew up. 风暴骤起。
[注释14] go up to 前往
Pity
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, “ Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up! ”
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, “ Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny? ”
“ No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself[3]!
Threaten
A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, “Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new...” He looks at it, then crumples[4] it up into a ball and throws it away.
He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, “Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new...” He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.
He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, “Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again...
Puzzle
Mom and Dad were trying to console[5] Susie, whose dog had recently died.
“ You know, it's not your fault that the dog died. He's probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God. ”
Susie, still crying, said “ What would God want with a dead dog? ”
Where is God?
A little girl was eating a doughnut[6] on her way to church. Since she could not eat inside, she left it outside and she prayed, “ God, will you please watch my doughnut and not go anywhere else? Thank you! ” Then she went inside. When the priest said, “ God is here, God is there, and God is everywhere! ” The little girl said, “ You are wrong! God is outside watching my doughnut! ”
Punish
Boy: Will you punish me for something I didn't do?
Teacher: Of course not!
Boy: Good cause I didn't do my homework!
The Ugliest
Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed[8] to one of the ugliest girls there.
“ Why? ” he asks.
St. Paul replies, “ When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone. ” The same happens to the second guy. He asks why.
St. Paul replies, “ When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone. ” The third guy laughs at his friends and says, “ Thank God I didn't do anything like that. ” He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys ask, “ Why? ”
“ Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone 。”
Puzzle
A group of kindergarten[10] children were on a class outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board[11], of the 10 most wanted men.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
“ Yes, ” answered the policeman.
“ Well, ” wondered the child, “ why didn't you keep him when you took his picture? ”
参考资料：http://zhidao.baidu.com/question/19825665.html http://blog.sina.com.cn/s/print_4bd8df44010009qe.html